Attachment to Outcomes

Albert Ellis, a contemporary cognitive therapist, notes that there is a profound difference in meaning between the words, "need" and "want." If I don't get what I want I am disappointed, but if I don't get what I need I will die. Food, water, and oxygen are examples of needs, while respect, love and being right are examples of wants.

Fight-or-flight reaction is shorthand for an exquisite orchestration of biological components, which produce a burst of physical energy designed at cope with a life and death situation.

When you perceive a threat, your hypothalamus orchestrates a series of hormonal and nervous system responses that make you physically stronger so that you will be able to fight powerfully or flee quickly. In the unlucky event that you encounter a situation in which your life depends upon you being physically strong enough to do what you have to do to protect yourself or loved ones from mortal danger, you will be glad you have a strong fight-or-flight reaction.

This power, however, comes at a price; the fight-or-flight reaction compromises your ability to think rationally and to appraise the long range consequences of your actions in the here and now. Moreover, during such times the body is sacrificing everything else - digestion, immune system - to make you physically strong now. Alas, some people react to trivial stressors as though they were life and death, which drains them of the very resources that are needed for self-direction.

Dr. Ellis suggests a way of defusing excessive emotional reactions: When you experience strong emotions, ask yourself: "Is this about something I want or about something I need?" If you don't get what you want, the appropriate reaction is disappointment, not fight-or-flight.

If your boss or spouse falsely accuses you of some sin you did not do, it is indeed frustrating, but it is not life or death. Even if you lose your job over it, it is still not life and death, very upsetting to be sure, but not life or death. To make this point, the Stoic, Epictetus would say: Have you ever seen a beggar? He doesn't have a job, but he is alive.

In modern society the fight-or-flight reaction is more likely to be harmful than helpful to your interests. If the goal is to make things come out the way you want them to, then it is important to maintain your composure. Modern cognitive therapists note that some people destroy what is genuinely important to them because of their over-reaction to trivial slights and losses. Their pathology causes them to act as if they value the trivial things more than they value their mind, body, and loved ones.

According to Dr. Ellis, the key to the trap of emotional over-reaction is attachment to outcomes that are not of vital importance.

Before the cognitive therapists were the Greek Stoics. Stoicism has come to mean the ability to remain calm in the face of adversity, controlling one's emotions despite great provocation. In circumstances in which emotionality and distraction hinder good performance, stoicism is a pragmatic virtue.

Epictetus used the metaphor of an archer to describe how one achieves this virtue. The Stoic archer strives to shoot excellently, and will not be disappointed if he shoots well, even if he doesn't win the competition.

For most archers in a contest, the goal is to win. However, there will be times when an excellent archer shoots well and still - for reasons beyond his control, such as a sudden gust of wind, or a particularly inspired performance by one of his opponents fails to win. A non-stoic archer views this as a failure because he did not achieve the outcome he intended; whereas a stoic archer views it as a success because he shot well. The stoic is focused on performance not outcome.

In Epictetus' words:

On the one hand, there are things that are in our power, whereas other things are not in our power. In our power are opinion, impulse, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever is our own doing. Things not in our power include our body, our possessions, our reputations, our status, and, in a word, whatever is not our own doing.

Straightaway then, train yourself to say to every unpleasant impression, You are an impression, and by no means what you appear to be. Then examine it and test it by asking whether it concerns things that are in your power or things that are not in your power: and if it concerns something not in your power, have ready to hand the answer, "This is nothing to me."

Remember that, on the one hand, desires command you to obtain what you long for, and on the other, aversions command you to avoid what you dislike. Those who fail to gain what they desire are unfortunate, whilst those who fall into what they seek to avoid are miserable.

Epictetus' brand of stoicism foreshadows contemporary cognitive therapy:
A person's master is the one who has power over that which is wished for or not wished for, so as to secure it or take it away. Therefore, anyone who wishes to be free should neither wish for anything nor avoid anything that depends on others; those who do not observe this rule will of necessity be the slaves of others.

When you are about to undertake some task, remind yourself what sort of business it is. If you are going out to bathe, bring to mind what happens at the baths: there will be those who splash you, those who will jostle you, some will be abusive to you, and others will steal from you. And thus you will undertake the affair more securely if you say to yourself from the start, I wish to take a bath, but also to keep my moral character in accordance with nature. Do likewise with every undertaking. For thus, if anything should happen that interferes with your bathing, be ready to say, "Oh well, it was not only this that I wanted, but also to keep my moral character in accordance with nature, and I cannot do that if I am irritated by things that happen." Say to yourself, "This is the price for peace of mind, and this is the price for being free of troubles. Nothing can be had without paying the price."

Remember that the insult does not come from the person who abuses you or hits you, but from your judgment that such people are insulting you. Therefore, whenever someone provokes you, be aware that it is your own opinion that provokes you. Try, therefore, in the first place, not to be carried away by your impressions, for if you can gain time and delay, you will more easily control yourself.

According to Epictetus, the key to the trap of emotional over-reaction is attachment to outcomes that you do not control.

Before the Stoics there was the Tao...

The Need to Win

Chaing Tsu [5th century BC Taoist]

When an archer shoots for nothing he has all his skill.
When he shoots for a brass buckle he is already nervous.
When he shoots for a prize of gold
He goes blind, or sees two targets.
His skill has not changed, but the prize divides him.
He cares.
He thinks more of winning than of shooting,
And the need to win drains him of power

Attachment to outcomes hinders ongoing performance in two ways:

• Emotionality hurts not helps the archer's performance. If the archer needs to win, the prospect of failure is threatening, and produces a biological reaction -nervousness- which undermines the steady hand requirement of the task.
• Distraction makes the archer less likely to succeed. The archer will perform best when his attention is focused on shooting to the complete exclusion of everything else. When the archer thinks more of winning than of shooting, the need to win drains him of power.

According to the Tao, the key to the trap of emotional over-reaction is detachment from outcomes.